How are you doing?
I’m not sure where to start with this.
I have been praying for the best way to talk about this and whether or not I should just keep my trap shut, especially during a time when the world’s events are escalating by the minute. But, with that being said, I guess I want to just check in with you guys.
How are you doing?
Really, aside from the funny memes about working from home and TikToks that distract you for a few minutes, how are you hanging in there? Really. Are you okay?
I’ll tell you what, I’ve been a bit of a rollercoaster.
I remember the first day we were told to work from home and how much fun it was. I loved working in my living room with my new co-worker, taking lunch breaks while watching mid-day episodes of TV. It was fun.
Three days later I was laid-off and I felt my world shatter. I can’t express the sadness that comes with losing a dream job only a month after starting it. I think the only word I could use to describe it was unfair. Just so damn unfair. How can I afford to live in this expensive city without a job? Where am I going to work now when nobody is hiring? How could I have just started a career to suddenly have lost it?
That day I did what I knew to do best. I tied up my laces, plugged in my earbuds and ran until my legs physically couldn’t carry my body any further. I squeezed Peter tightly as I sobbed, I called my parents, cried with my sister, took an intermission to give my swollen eyes a break from weeping and grabbed some Cadbury Eggs from the store, then came back to FaceTime and call more friends who offered their support in this unfamiliar territory.
As long as you’re here, let’s get into it.
I think I’ve taken a bit of a hit in the self-esteem category lately. I guess it all started with doubt. I doubted my worth once I was laid-off, even after I told myself NOT to let that happen. The first thing my sister told me was, “Don’t let yourself think this was your fault.” It was as if she knew me better than I knew myself. But naturally, amidst the silent moments and reflection, the feeling of worthlessness crept in. I kept music on loud to drown out those negative thoughts, but the doubt escalated. I started to avoid mirrors because with every glance at myself I heard my negative thoughts. All I could see was the cellulite on the side of my legs, the flat surface on my belly that used to be a rigid definition of ab muscles, and the acne on my chin that only comes around when I’m stressed out. I couldn’t help it but hate on myself. God, was I mean.
But then something happened. The days passed by and suddenly I didn’t need the music to be so loud. I remembered how creative and brave I am. I remembered that I was crafted exactly the way I was meant to be, with each freckle and mark. I remembered to give myself grace.
Now, 6 weeks later, I am seeing the silver lining. I don’t know what it is, but I am feeling at the peak of my creativity. Floods of images, captions and blog ideas fill my head every night while I lay in bed. I am finding new people who inspire me and ways to express myself. I’m moving forward.
I’ve talked to friends more than I ever have before, Zoom-called for Happy Hours that make my weeks brighter and checked in on my grandparents more frequently. Honestly, before this time, I was so caught up in the hustle. I was moving at a pace that would’ve led to a gnarly crash. When I wasn’t working, I was running or working out, I was cooking half-assed meals that I hated and I was blogging. I never took time after work to just be. And now, I just am.
so why does it matter?
I hope it does matter. I hope this may have resonated with you. I have finally learned to give myself some grace and maybe that’s what you need too. This is not a normal time of life, people are sick, people are confined, we are challenged and pushed in ways we never anticipated. But in times when I feel stretched past capacity, I remember that you are never given anything you can’t handle.
We are strong, smart, beautiful, and good. We will get through this together.
Love you always,
xoxo - Katie