Where the heck I’ve been lately
It’s no shocker that I haven’t been writing on here for a while, and boy is admitting that to myself incredibly saddening. Writing has been and always will be one of my favorite forms of expression, and pairing that with photo/video… my gosh, it’s a euphoric combination. But there’s so much going on behind the screen that pulled me away from this little haven of mine. Life has been really tough this year in so many facets, and while I don’t want to come across as complaining, I want to be real with you. I feel like putting this small snippet out there might bring me closure on this extended break and open the door to a new chapter.
Let’s dive in:
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If I’m being really honest with you, I have been questioning my purpose in sharing my life online lately. Like do these blogs really actually matter? In a world of TikToks and short attention spans, is there anyone who still enjoys this dying art form? But it’s the sporadic messages from friends and strangers telling me that I’ve helped them in some way that propels me forward. You see, the thing is that I am an Enneagram 9, which means I am a peacemaker, which also means I live for helping people, sometimes to a fault. I think that’s why I enjoy writing in the first place. I feel like I am helping someone or maybe just making someone’s life a little easier, whether it’s by letting them know the best place to grab a burger in a new city or more simply making them feel less alone in the struggles of life.
Along the same lines, I’ve run into a frustration with finding my niche. Gosh I’m sick of that word. Any reputable business book will let you know that defining your niche is key to success, but as someone with a million and one interests, trying to fit myself into a box just hinders my creativity. Sometimes I want to share photos from shoots, sometimes I want to write about being engaged and other times I want to share recipes.
I’m all over the place and you know what, I’m a fan of that.
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While I’m here spilling my heart, I might as well share with you that I have been experiencing an insane amount of guilt lately.
One of the things I was most excited for in this wedding process was documenting everything. Every little decision and experience. But as time passed and adulting took precedent, I haven’t documented a single thing. And typing that out physically makes my heart wince because with each passing day I so badly long to have these moments to look back on. The day I chose my wedding dress, tastings with our caterer, chats with photographers and vendors, I want to share it all. So in this very moment, I’m making a commitment to myself that I will be more intentional in documenting everything. It doesn’t always have to be a beautiful post with curated photos and profound words, it can be simple and raw. I just owe it to myself to write it down.
Heck I’ll even back-log some of my experiences too while I’m at it.
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I’ll probably end it with this, but the biggest thing I’ve learned this year is the power in letting yourself fall onto the people around you.
You remember how I said I’m a peacemaker? Well, you see the thing about that is I am so concerned with the well-being of those around me that I often neglect myself. It’s this interesting juxtaposition of a girl who never stops talking yet never opens up. I really am thankful to God for Pete’s patience and gentleness over the years as I navigate this challenge.
I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older that I really don’t like letting people in on my struggles or frustrations because I feel like I’m hurting them in asking them to join my battles. I never want to be a burden to anyone, especially my closest people. But, unexpected challenges have been thrown our way over the past year, and for the first time in my adult life, I’ve picked up the phone, called my friends and just cried. Even when words couldn’t seem to form, they sat, listened, waited and sometimes cried with me.
I’ll never forget what my friend Emery said to me. I sent her a voice message and she responded back letting me know that if I ever need someone to talk to but don’t have it in me to actually talk, I should send her a text saying ‘don’t answer’, then call and leave her a voicemail. She acknowledged how overwhelming it can be to open your heart, but that letting people in on your struggles can give you the peace you need. So thank you, Em. You have forever shaped how I approach being there for others.
I guess what I’m saying is I’ve learned to let people catch me when I fall because the arms of those around me are stronger than the force of my fall.
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In re-reading this I realize there is no real cadence or theme to this post, but it’s exactly what I needed. My heart feels lighter and yet somehow fuller.
Thank you for being here, I’m here for you! More posts to come soon!